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I’m a Commitment-phobe AND a Dick

Shadow of devil trying to catch the frightened businessmanCan I write an entire post to justify my being a dick to my friend? Well, I’m certainly going to try!

I, in my secret heart of hearts, am a commitment-phobe. I do a lot of forever things (I have kids, I live with a dude who I plan to be with for the rest of my life, I have a job that I don’t plan to leave), but even those things often make me feel an itchy, uncomfortable, sometimes downright hostile sense of obligation and imprisonment. I hide it well (depending on who you ask).

My commitment-phobia is more evident in the small things. I don’t like Christmas shopping because I’m afraid I will buy something and then find a better present later (this also speaks to my fear of customer service reps and returning items, which is a post unto itself). When I go shopping for myself, it takes me forever to pick something out, and then 9/10 times, I end up putting my items back.

And I HATE making plans. Nailing down a specific date for any event (big or small), makes my heart race. My daughter’s birthday was in December, and I still haven’t planned her party. It’s FEBRUARY!!!

In two weeks, I’m going to Toronto. I’ve known about this trip for almost a month. Have I booked a hotel room? Have I booked my train ticket home (even knowing that doing so in advance would save me untold amounts of money)? Have I reached out to my Torontonian friends and family to make plans with them? Fuck no! You know why?! Because I’m a commitment-phobe. Anything could happen between now and my trip, and the thought of nailing down actual plans makes me worried that I would have to then cancel those plans, and just the thought of it makes me want to bury my head in a hole and cover it with dirt. I realize it makes no sense. What’s the big deal if I have to cancel? I don’t know! I just know that I’m going to book that shit at the last minute.

This brings me to this morning when my friend messaged me with a passive aggressive “I guess you were too busy to get back to me.” And I deserved that because I was a shitty friend. She messaged me a few days ago to see if I wanted to do something this weekend. But my kids were sick, I am sick, I didn’t know what Chase’s plans were, Bean has a bday party to attend (and I wasn’t sure of the time), and plans for my dad’s 70th were up in the air. I SHOULD have told her that. Instead, I thought, “I’ll wait to reply until I know how we are all doing, and what we are all doing” and said NOTHING. At all. Until this morning (the day she wanted to do something) when I replied with a sheepish “sorry! We were sick and I’m a dick for not replying.” Why didn’t I just reply? Whhhhy?! And now I’m writing this to justify it*? I really am an asshole!

*note that this justification is purely for my own benefit. My friend doesn’t know about this website.

Aaaanyway, in the spirit of doing something (I love you, 2018 resolution!), rather than complain about it, I’m going to add “solidify plans” to my daily To Do List. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find out what time I’m expected to be at my dad’s birthday party, and figure out all of the logistics for my upcoming trip.

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