New Miranda (Self-Betterment Projects) · Uncategorized

Let’s Talk About My Feet

footLet’s take a break from my neuroses today and talk about my feet. They are straight up nasty (I realize this sounds like another bit of neurosis, but it’s just a cold fact). When I was a kid, I swore I’d do everything in my power not to have cracked and calloused heels, or toenails the consistency of horse hooves, but here I am, padding around on about 20 extra layers of crusty skin like a hoarder of my own dead body parts.

I’m sure you’ve seen that Listerine and vinegar foot soak thing on the internet – the home remedy that promises to make your calluses melt off, revealing your actual foot beneath (I personally haven’t laid eyes on mine since I was 17 years old). For ages, I had been planning try the soak and blog about it, but the other night I was hit with a sudden inspiration to do it, and my enthusiasm trumped my desire for a quality blog post about it. I mean, I took pictures, but my hairy legs featured heavily in them, as did my darkened, disgusting, wet towel and toy strewn bathroom (for some reason, my 7 year old  emptied her oatmeal into the sink earlier in the day, and I was sitting beside that same, oat-flaked basin while soaking my feet). It wasn’t exactly the ideal environment for the kind of photos I had in mind for this post, is what I’m saying, which is why this entry is severely lacking in pictures. Just imagine me, unshaven, in Chase’s Star Trek t-shirt and a pair of granny panties, sitting on a toilet seat next to some dried oatmeal, scraping my feet with a cheap pair of craft scissors at 11:30pm – trust me, you’re better off without the photo.

To be honest, there really wasn’t much to see. The soak didn’t do anything beyond temporarily turning my feet green. I was able to scrape off maybe a layer of skin, which was kind of cool because it looked like neon sludge, but I think I could get the same results (minus the colour) from a normal bath. What I really learned from this experience is that Fiskars makes an awesome pair scissors that double as a foot file.

img_8003
Foot sludge. I’m so sorry you had to see this.

This botched attempt at a DIY pedicure was just a minor setback – I haven’t given up hope on my chapped and scraggy feet. I figure if thoroughly exfoliate them a couple of times a week, and moisturize daily, I can have normal looking heels in maybe a year or so. I’ll let you know how that works out for me; I’m sure you’re dying to hear more about my feet.

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