Awwwwwkward · New Miranda (Self-Betterment Projects)

New Miranda In Da Houuuuuuuse!

I was on a conference call for work today with several Managers and a Vice President, when I loudly and proudly proclaimed my love for Pokemon Go (in my defence, I thought one of the managers had asked about it, but maybe I imagined it?). My little outburst was met with a chorus of silence before everyone moved on as if I hadn’t said anything at all. No one uttered a WORD about my comment – there was just a beat of deafening silence and, for the rest of the call, the sound of my inner monologue: Stupid, stupid stupid! Why did I say that? WHYYYYY?!!

I hate myself.

For you, Jeremy:

 

Anyway, moving along. Let’s shift the focus of this post from this crippling shame spiral I’ve fallen into and talk about what’s going RIGHT in my life. For one, “New Miranda” is in town and she is on an extended stay, y’all – without the use of anti-depressants, even! Remember when I thought my birth control was making me happier? Umm… It wasn’t. I was basically just my normal grumpy self plus a headache that wouldn’t go away and an appetite that rivalled an elephant’s, so I ditched the pill after 2 months. No regrets (I mean, I say that now. Ask me again how I feel about it when I find myself with an unwanted pregnancy). I guess if it comes down between a baby and a stroke… Hmm… It’s close but, okay, I chose baby abortion*.

*I kid, I kid.

What were we talking about again? New Miranda! I’ve decided that I’m tired of being fat (and for some reason, all of the sudden I’m terrified of having a stroke), so I have embarked on a lifestyle change (I’d call it diet and exercise, but you’re not supposed to use those words anymore). To be fair, I really am trying to make my weight loss efforts sustainable. I’ve always wanted to be a jogger (picture me, thin, in cute workout clothes, hair in a ponytail, drinking orange juice* from the carton after my morning run – I think I’ve talked about this before?), so I’ve started using the Couch to 5K (C25K) app again and I’ve been running every other day. I’m on Week 3 now! I look nothing like my put-together orange-juice-chugging MILF-y dream-self (YET!); I’m 50+ pounds heavier than that chick, wearing faded, holey yoga pants and what used to be an over-sized (tight on me now), hand-me-down t-shirt from my husband, hair in a messy, greasy bun, drinking water from the tap in my white trash kitchen, but hey.  That’s okay. I’m getting there. I’ve also been half-assing my way through some Yoga With Adriene videos 3 days a week, just to limber up after all of that running, and I try to go for walks when it’s convenient (on my lunch hours, mostly, or when I check the mail).

* I hate orange juice, but for some reason, it’s part of the fantasy.

I’ve only made small changes to my diet because I refuse to do anything that I can’t see myself adopting for life (tedious shit like food logging and calorie counting, for example, are off the table). I’ve been making smart substitutions, which feels much more manageable. Like, instead of junk food, I try to eat fruit (but I don’t beat myself up when I’ve slipped). Instead of pop, I’ve been drinking those gross flavoured “sparkling” waters from the President’s Choice Blue Menu line (I kind of think they taste like white glue, with that fluoride from grade school – but I got used to them).

Overall, since starting this “lifestyle change”, I feel… better? I wouldn’t say I’m getting a  huge energy boost (in fact, on the days I run, I want to sleep even more), but my husband-guy told me I’ve been noticeably more bearable lately (maybe not in those words, but I can read between the lines), so there’s that. I’ve only lost 2 lbs in 2 weeks, which seems unfair considering I went from not exercising at all to busting my balls on the regular, but I’m trying (desperately trying) to trust the process and take comfort in the fact that a) my metabolism probably won’t get all jacked like those Biggest Loser contestants if I lose weight slowly, b) my skin will have more time to absorb back into my body, or whatever it does to stay all tight and elastic-y, so parts of me won’t be hanging all over the place when I reach my goal weight (I tell myself this; I don’t know if it has any medical merit), c) the slower I lose weight, the more chance I have in actually keeping it off (I feel like science would probably back me up on that one). Trust the process, trust the process, trust the process!

Aside from all that stuff, I’ve been driving a lot by myself and I feel great about it. Still not the safest person on the road, but the more I drive, the more competent I become. I can drive in the city now (erm… small cities and the outskirts of big cities), and that is very freeing. I don’t know. It’s giving me a boost that makes me want to conquer the world a little. I want to tackle something else next (I mean, in addition to driving in big cities and the downtown core). Not sure what it’s going to be, though. Suggestions?

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