Lately, I’ve kind of been thinking about having another baby. Let me clarify that I don’t ACTUALLY want a baby, but I fantasize about snuggling a baby, naming a baby (Morley Ruth, if you’re interested, in keeping with our tradition of naming our kids after old ladies), giving my existing children a baby sister to play with… Mostly I fantasize about having a year of mat leave. I’m not sure if this is a case of baby fever so much as it is an indication that I need a break from my job for awhile. Not that I don’t enjoy my job; I’ve just been doing it for awhile and I’m craving some excitement, you know?
Having a baby is a moot point, anyway. I can’t risk having a boy. Male children are cute (I love my nephews as if they were my own), but they are a foreign breed of human to me and I am not sure I am equipped to take care of one full time.
PLUS, I just got on the pill which is either awful or awesome, depending on my mood. I hate that I’m on birth control because I feel like it’s Chase’s turn to wreck his body in the name of family planning. I had a C-section and almost DIED. I had a vaginal birth (no epidural!) which tore my nether regions beyond recognition (I had to be stitched up like Frankenpussy), and I almost DIED. Now I’m on birth control pills that are known to cause breast cancer and a whole slew of other cancer-y, stroke-y type health problems. And you know I’m going to get that shit. My last pap smear came back with abnormal cells – I’m a few mutations away from cervical cancer as it is (and my cervix is only, what, 4 years old now?! I just grew that thing back!). I honestly feel like the LEAST Chase can do is spend 5 minutes getting the snip. A vasectomy is nothing compared to 2 very painful, excruciating, literal near-death experiences and a body riddled with tumors. So I’m bitter about that.
On the other hand, and I don’t know if this is related to the pill or just the nice weather we’ve been having, but I’ve been in a better mood this past month since starting birth control. I keep telling myself that the poison is evening out my hormones a little and solving my acne problems (not to mention preventing me from getting pregnant accidentally!). It makes me less resentful about being the only person in my relationship in charge of family planning.
It is nice to feel happy again, rather than my usual state of depression, apathy and irritability. I’d almost forgotten what it feels like. The first good day I had, I almost cried. I was like “I remember this feeling! I REMEMBER!!” The last time I felt this great was probably 5 or 6 years ago when my oldest was still a baby. Maybe when I was pregnant with my youngest. I think that’s also part of the reason I’m thinking about more children now – not only do I feel more emotionally equipped to take care of one, but I associate this good feeling with being pregnant, and I’m afraid of slipping back into the darkness.
Really, though. No more babies for me, even if it might make me the happiest person alive (it won’t).