Kids and Parenting (The Mommy Blog Portion of This Shitshow I Call a Blog)

Herding Cats

IMG_7913Is it just me or is it actually, literally impossible to get kids out the door on time? Our mornings are always a shit show around here when I’m trying to herd my 4 and 2 year olds off to school, and get myself off to work. Our routine starts off calmly, but by 7am I am a frazzled, nagging, sometimes yelling, screaming mess.

Last week, I said “enough is enough” and I’ve been trying to be better; to wake up earlier, to be more proactive, to allot much more time to tasks than needed. And you know what? It doesn’t make a frigging lick of difference.

Yesterday, for example, the kids and I were poised to leave for school 15 minutes early. We had our coats, shoes, and hats on. Our bags (purse, bookbags, laptop bag, lunch bags) were in hand. I was feeling good. I took a deep, peaceful breath in appreciation of a job well done, proud of myself and my children. And then I smelled it: a full, steaming, poopy diaper… from a kid who NEVER poops that early in the morning. Whyyyyy?! Do they know? Is ruining things at every possible opportunity an instinct all children have, or just mine?

Today: same deal, but I told myself I’d be even MORE proactive. I got up a full hour earlier. I did some yoga and found my inner calm. The girls were behaving, and we were making good time. THEN, my oldest, who INSISTS she cannot wipe her butt (despite the fact that she is perfectly capable), and who, like her sister, never takes a dump in the morning, had to use the bathroom. I spent 10 precious minutes with her, coaching her, explaining the finer points of wiping her own ass, and when it was all over, I came downstairs to find my two year old soaked from head to toe, playing in a puddle of juice that she’d dumped all over my kitchen table and floor.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaargg!!! The worst part is that isn’t even the end of the List Of Things That Made Me Late For Work This Morning. There was a sock incident, a shoe incident, and a whole crying jag when it was time to brush their hair. Long story short: FML.

Tomorrow, I get up TWO hours earlier.


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